Do's and Don'ts for Support People

Support people often wonder, "What can I do to help?"  In my opinion, the most helpful way you can  support someone is by offering unconditional love and concern.  Unconditional support means that you let go of judgment.  It means that you seek to understand each person as an individual.  Unconditional support means that you remember that everyone is doing the best they can, even if it doesn't appear that way to you.

Eating disorders can be incredibly confusing to understand.  Every eating disorder is unique, and every person who struggles with an eating disorder has different needs.  Ask people directly what would be most helpful for them, and remain open to the idea that needs are constantly changing.  Remember that you, too, are doing the best you can, and that it is okay to make mistakes.  Be patient and give yourself grace.

It is okay to be confused and to express that confusion.  Sometimes the most helpful thing to say is simply, "I don't understand this disease.  It doesn't make sense, and I know that's okay.  I'm still here for you."

Although everyone is unique, there are some general "do's and don'ts" that apply to many people with eating disorders.  You can use the following as a general guideline, but remember to ask people what they find most helpful.

DO:

• Use "I" statements.
• Remind them that you love them.
• Encourage them to accept support.
• Remind them to use their coping skills.
• Listen.
• Validate their feelings.
• Gently express concerns when you notice them.
• Act as a healthy role model to them.
• Set healthy boundaries.
• Learn about eating disorders.
• Ask questions about what their experience is like.
• Take care of your own needs.
• Talk to them about everyday things outside of the eating disorder.
• Spend time with them doing enjoyable activities.
• Remind them that they are more than an eating disorder, that you will love them and pay attention to them even (and maybe especially) when they are healthy.
• Provide positive feedback when you notice effective and healthy behaviors.
• Forgive them when they make mistakes.
• Accept your limitations that you cannot "cure" them.
• Work on your own thoughts, beliefs and behaviors and seek help if appropriate.
• Remind them of their personal goals.
• Express hope for them.
• Make meal time enjoyable by providing conversation or other distractions.
• Ask them for feedback about the support you are providing them.
• Educate yourself about eating disorders.
• Be patient and remember that eating disorder recovery is a very long process.
• Encourage them to seek professional help, and offer to call or go with them to their first appointment.
• Provide reality checks to help them counter irrational beliefs.  For example, if they say, "I know that everyone hates me," you can respond by saying, "Wow, that must feel pretty awful to think that.  I hear that's what you're thinking, but I want you to know that I genuinely care about you."
• Realize that people will not change until they want to.
• Validate that recovery is difficult, and remind them that others have done it.
• Remember that people are separate from their eating disorders.
• Remind them that your love and acceptance for them does not depend on their weight, size, shape or appearance.

DON'T:

• Blame them.
• Threaten them.
• Comment on their food, eating habits, body, weight or appearance.
• Make negative remarks about your own or others' eating habits, body, weight or appearance. 
• Make assumptions about what is or is not helpful.
• Be the food/bathroom/gym police.
• Minimize their feelings.
• "Should" on them.  For example, tell them that they "should" be able to eat, "should not" need to go back to treatment, or "should" tell their therapist something.
• Talk about diets or food.
• Force them to eat.
• Punish them for engaging in eating disorder behaviors.
• Give up on them.
• Ignore or deny the problem.
• Make assumptions.
• Force them to get help.
• Dismiss their feelings or fears, even if they seem irrational to you.
• Get in a power struggle with their eating disorder.
• Hide your own feelings.  If you are feeling sad, cry.  If you are feeling angry, express it in an appropriate way.
• Let the person's eating disorder take control of your relationship with the person.  For example, if you used to get together with the person once a week to watch a movie, continue that ritual.
• Offer advice or support that is beyond your level of comfort or expertise.
• Share personal information about the person's struggles with others.
• Lie to them or hide the truth.

Click HERE to visit the "Support People" page.