EATING DISORDERS ARE DISEASES OF SILENCE.
Often, those of us with eating disorders are silently screaming for something - attention, love, understanding, nurturing, help, escape, forgiveness, acceptance, etc.
But we feel unworthy, unlovable, and undeserving, so we don't ask for help.
We spend so much of our lives denying our needs, that we can actually forget what they are. We may even lose the ability to ask for help or to communicate effectively with others.
At some point, the ED becomes a silent scream for... something... but even we might not know what that something is.
As a person struggling with an eating disorder, it can be helpful to identify what you are really trying to communicate, what you need, and what you desire. It can be especially helpful for our support people to understand what is going on beneath the surface of our masks, and the messages our eating disorders are trying to convey.
***Read the list and then scroll all the way down for an activity***
What my eating disorder is trying to tell you...
I need to feel loved
I have no idea who I am
I have no idea who I am
I am afraid of life
I hate that life isn't fair
I just want you to listen
Sometimes the weight of my sadness is unbearable
I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
I am terrified of not being good enough
I'm afraid of growing up and dealing with all the things a grown-up must think about
Words and actions hurt me even though they aren't meant to
I am so incredibly mean to myself - I wouldn't talk to any other person the way I talk to myself
I smile because I don't know what else to do
What I want right now more than anything is love from myself - If I had more self-love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease
I am afraid when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I'll feel when you finally let me go
I need your help, but I'm not sure how to tell you
I really do care about you, more than you could even imagine
I cry when no one is around
I wish you could just sit with me in my pain and not try to fix it
I hang on to my eating disorder because it is predictable and life is too scary without it
I don't like my eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking it
I felt too ashamed, too dirty, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I couldn't cope by myself
I am an abuse survivor
I am afraid of being ordinary
I just want you to listen
Sometimes the weight of my sadness is unbearable
I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
I am terrified of not being good enough
I'm afraid of growing up and dealing with all the things a grown-up must think about
Words and actions hurt me even though they aren't meant to
I am so incredibly mean to myself - I wouldn't talk to any other person the way I talk to myself
I smile because I don't know what else to do
What I want right now more than anything is love from myself - If I had more self-love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease
I am afraid when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I'll feel when you finally let me go
I need your help, but I'm not sure how to tell you
I really do care about you, more than you could even imagine
I cry when no one is around
I wish you could just sit with me in my pain and not try to fix it
I hang on to my eating disorder because it is predictable and life is too scary without it
I don't like my eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking it
I felt too ashamed, too dirty, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I couldn't cope by myself
I am an abuse survivor
I am afraid of being ordinary
I am afraid my emotions are going to overwhelm me
It is too scary to identify my needs because they have never been met before
I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a feminine/masculine
I feel invisible
I'm afraid people will find out how messed up I really am
I wish people could know the real meI am unable to see my potential right now but it helps me to hear you when you tell me it's there
I'm afraid to know who I truly am deep down
As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
I blame myself for everything bad in my life
I'm going to keep hurting myself until you see how much pain I'm in
I'm afraid of getting close to you because I don't want you to leave me
I have been hurt in the past
I believe that everyone's flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine
I am afraid of being intimate with another person
I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a feminine/masculine
I feel invisible
I'm afraid people will find out how messed up I really am
I wish people could know the real meI am unable to see my potential right now but it helps me to hear you when you tell me it's there
I'm afraid to know who I truly am deep down
As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
I blame myself for everything bad in my life
I'm going to keep hurting myself until you see how much pain I'm in
I'm afraid of getting close to you because I don't want you to leave me
I have been hurt in the past
I believe that everyone's flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine
I am afraid of being intimate with another person
I am afraid of being abandoned
I'm always in a state of obsession - my mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something
I'd love to escape somewhere without a care in the world
It is too shameful to admit how much I've lied
I'm scared to leave the safety of treatment and enter the real world alone
I miss my parents and wish I was a kid again
I'm terrified that something bad will happen to someone I love
I feel like there's an empty hole in me
I feel guilty all of the time
I have no idea who I am so I just go along with everyone else
I absolutely hate feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it
I feel nothing most of the time and I wait to see your reactions before I know how to respond/reply/react myself
I am really sensitive although I appear unfeeling
I would rather lie than hurt someone
I feel like a complete failure as a daughter/son/mother/father/sister/brother
What I want most is to just hear that I am ok, just the way I am
I wish people understood that an eating disorder is an illness, not something I'm making up
I compare myself to everyone else and I never measure up
I am afraid that people will think I'm selfish if I ask for something
What you said/did hurt me
I'm always in a state of obsession - my mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something
I'd love to escape somewhere without a care in the world
It is too shameful to admit how much I've lied
I'm scared to leave the safety of treatment and enter the real world alone
I miss my parents and wish I was a kid again
I'm terrified that something bad will happen to someone I love
I feel like there's an empty hole in me
I feel guilty all of the time
I have no idea who I am so I just go along with everyone else
I absolutely hate feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it
I feel nothing most of the time and I wait to see your reactions before I know how to respond/reply/react myself
I am really sensitive although I appear unfeeling
I would rather lie than hurt someone
I feel like a complete failure as a daughter/son/mother/father/sister/brother
What I want most is to just hear that I am ok, just the way I am
I wish people understood that an eating disorder is an illness, not something I'm making up
I compare myself to everyone else and I never measure up
I am afraid that people will think I'm selfish if I ask for something
What you said/did hurt me
I feel like I don't belong anywhere
I don't like myself right now
I need support, but then when I get that support, I'm scared to let go of it or that I'll lose it
I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
I don't like myself right now
I need support, but then when I get that support, I'm scared to let go of it or that I'll lose it
I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
I feel shameful when you see me eat - I'm afraid you will think I'm disgusting
I feel like a scared little girl/boy
Without this mask I don't really know who I am
I feel like a scared little girl/boy
Without this mask I don't really know who I am
I don't know how anyone could love me
I don't trust anyone
I simultaneously crave both fitting in and standing out - I feel like a failure when I'm different, and I feel like a failure when I blend in
The ED is the only constant in my life, the only thing which feels unchanging regardless of what external events happened - the ED is the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that comes my way
I wish that I didn't hate myself, but at the same time, I don't know how it would feel to like myself
I'm terrified I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life
I'm afraid I won't be a good mom/dad
I wear my weight like armor
I use my body to convey what my words cannot
I always feel like a burden
I don't want you to give up on me
I am scared God has abandoned me
I have big dreams and wish that I believed in myself enough to make them become a reality
I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
I will not show that I am mad at you - in fact, I probably won't even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something to be mad about
I don't feel like I'm sick enough to ask for help
I wish my parents would feel proud of me
I don't know how to tell you what I want to say
I don't really care about how I look -I only talk about it so much as a way of verbalizing all the fears inside me that I don't know how to identify
I'm so, so sorry for all the times I lied to you
I am scared because I don't know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction
I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show you just how serious and deep I can be
I need help believing in myself
I don't know if I believe in God
I don't feel that I deserve unconditional love
I wish I could stand up for myself
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying
I am afraid that no one will ever find me attractive
I won't ever measure up to my brother/sister/friend/mother/father
I am really afraid that I could actually excel beyond my wildest dreams, but I have never let myself try because what if I succeed and then fail miserably
Sometimes it feels like the eating disorder is my only friend
I'm scared that this eating disorder will kill me, but I don't know how to stop it from taking over
I need professional help but I am too embarrassed to ask
I am afraid of being seen as "crazy"
I wish I could just disappear
I am afraid of taking up too much space
I am overwhelmed by how many losses the eating disorder has caused in my life
I like feeling the physical emptiness of hunger because it matches how I feel emotionally
I don't feel like I deserve anything good in my life
I feel paralyzed by indecision - I never know what I want or need
ACTIVITY: After reading the exhaustive list above, take a moment to reflect on how you're feeling. How does reading those statements make you feel - sad, angry, shameful, guilty? Try to notice how you're feeling without judging it as right or wrong, good or bad. Now notice how your body feels. Do you feel tense, strong, weak, energetic, lethargic?
Now consider the following questions... (you may want to journal or talk about your reflections with a trusted friend)
For someone with an eating disorder:
What are the top three statements that you most connect to? Were there any statements that you do not connect to at all? What other messages is your eating disorder trying to communicate? What are some healthier ways that you could communicate this message without using the eating disorder? What is one step you could take this week towards communicating this message in a healthier, more effective way?
For a support person:
Which statements did you expect to see, and which statements surprised you the most? Think of your loved one(s) - what do you think they are trying to communicate with their eating disorder? How could you help them communicate their messages in a more effective way? How do you contribute to the silence surrounding eating disorders? What is one step you could take towards breaking the silence and communicating with your loved one in a healthier way?
I don't trust anyone
I simultaneously crave both fitting in and standing out - I feel like a failure when I'm different, and I feel like a failure when I blend in
The ED is the only constant in my life, the only thing which feels unchanging regardless of what external events happened - the ED is the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that comes my way
I wish that I didn't hate myself, but at the same time, I don't know how it would feel to like myself
I'm terrified I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life
I'm afraid I won't be a good mom/dad
I wear my weight like armor
I use my body to convey what my words cannot
I always feel like a burden
I don't want you to give up on me
I am scared God has abandoned me
I have big dreams and wish that I believed in myself enough to make them become a reality
I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
I will not show that I am mad at you - in fact, I probably won't even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something to be mad about
I don't feel like I'm sick enough to ask for help
I wish my parents would feel proud of me
I don't know how to tell you what I want to say
I don't really care about how I look -I only talk about it so much as a way of verbalizing all the fears inside me that I don't know how to identify
I'm so, so sorry for all the times I lied to you
I am scared because I don't know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction
I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show you just how serious and deep I can be
I need help believing in myself
I don't know if I believe in God
I don't feel that I deserve unconditional love
I wish I could stand up for myself
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying
I am afraid that no one will ever find me attractive
I won't ever measure up to my brother/sister/friend/mother/father
I am really afraid that I could actually excel beyond my wildest dreams, but I have never let myself try because what if I succeed and then fail miserably
Sometimes it feels like the eating disorder is my only friend
I'm scared that this eating disorder will kill me, but I don't know how to stop it from taking over
I need professional help but I am too embarrassed to ask
I am afraid of being seen as "crazy"
I wish I could just disappear
I am afraid of taking up too much space
I am overwhelmed by how many losses the eating disorder has caused in my life
I like feeling the physical emptiness of hunger because it matches how I feel emotionally
I don't feel like I deserve anything good in my life
I feel paralyzed by indecision - I never know what I want or need
ACTIVITY: After reading the exhaustive list above, take a moment to reflect on how you're feeling. How does reading those statements make you feel - sad, angry, shameful, guilty? Try to notice how you're feeling without judging it as right or wrong, good or bad. Now notice how your body feels. Do you feel tense, strong, weak, energetic, lethargic?
Now consider the following questions... (you may want to journal or talk about your reflections with a trusted friend)
For someone with an eating disorder:
What are the top three statements that you most connect to? Were there any statements that you do not connect to at all? What other messages is your eating disorder trying to communicate? What are some healthier ways that you could communicate this message without using the eating disorder? What is one step you could take this week towards communicating this message in a healthier, more effective way?
For a support person:
Which statements did you expect to see, and which statements surprised you the most? Think of your loved one(s) - what do you think they are trying to communicate with their eating disorder? How could you help them communicate their messages in a more effective way? How do you contribute to the silence surrounding eating disorders? What is one step you could take towards breaking the silence and communicating with your loved one in a healthier way?
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